The stop sign. Perfect.

The three hole punch. What a piece of machinery.

That one YouTube video of that German band singing “Tom’s Diner”. Transcendent.

The alphabet. So close. Really close. They were right there. I actually can’t believe how close they got.

I don’t even know why they did it in the first place. Like who said these symbols that form words need an order? There’s really no need. It’s a fun project, I guess. But thank god it is, because it’s one of the only binding guidelines of modern society.

And whoever it was did a pretty good job. Credit where credit’s due. It’s pretty close to the actual order.

But, I embarked on a quest to uncover the true order of the alphabet.

It’s basically like, in class when the teacher says line up in alphabetical order and you just kinda drift to your spot. You let the feel of the letter guide you. And you get pretty close. And what you find is your alphabet buddies are really more similar to you than anyone else. There’s a real kinship in those ranks. Adams all smug up with Barnes, and Wilson back joking with Yates after the teacher had to separate them in class. You’re like magnets to each other, and no one knows why.

But the alphabet is just wrong enough that there’s always a group of kids in the middle going, “ABCDEFGHIJK, okay, so you’re behind me.” But, what if, instead, people just closed their eyes, and fully let their feelings guide them to where they’re supposed to be. Like, if the entire country lined up in alphabetical order solely by feel. That’s what the alphabet should be. And whoever made the original did a pretty good job. They really did. It’s pretty close.

And I know what you’re thinking. ‘What about the song?’ Fuck the song, they’ll make a new song. That song is for babies anyways. Maybe we’ll get someone good to do the next one. Like Maroon 5 or the Alabama Shakes.

And this isn’t even the first time someone has dared to reorder the alphabet. The keyboard was the letters telling us their order. And it works for them, and we can subconsciously understand it when we communicate in their language. But for us? We need aesthetics, we need logic, we need a song, apparently. We’re people for Christ’s sake. We need some wow factor.

So that brings us to where we stand today.

I have some notes for the alphabet.

Just as a refresher for those following along at home:

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

Not sure why I’m surprised that only took one line. Anyways, I have some notes. Lets start from the beginning. ABCD. No notes. Someone saw god. This wasn’t a mortal’s doing. This was like Moses with the tablets, this was handed down from on high.

Also, interesting that the word ‘alphabet’ starts with the letter A. That’s a huge boost. Also, A, B, and C are three big letters in ‘alphabetical’. Something to think about.

After that, they lost focus.

EFGH is close, but it’s not quite there. EFGH is where you start to see kids standing around humming the alphabet song. And then whoever put I next must have thought it was a 9 letter alphabet. He was popping champagne thinking they’d be pulling into XYZ any second. There’s no other explanation for putting I after H, that is possibly the most egregious two letter pairing in the entire alphabet. Q gets a lot of hate, and rightfully so, everybody knows Q should be a last gasp letter. But I is like the driver’s seat in your mom’s car. Way further forward than you remember. No way they’re telling us Ingram sits next to Harris. Get the fuck out. Ingram belongs in the back with Vickers. Everyone’s better off that way.

But you can tell they felt it too. Because it’s pretty clear they hit a wall and took a break. And I don’t know what they did. I don’t want to know what they did. But whatever they did worked, because they came back refreshed. JKLMNOP. Jesus Christ. They clearly just got back from lunch.

Honestly, never mind. Because that lunch break would have to be hundreds of years. JKLMNOP is from a different time and place. They had different sensibilities. This is Post-ABC Period. JKLMNOP is inspired. It’s avant-garde. It’s art. Don’t look at it too long, you’ll never understand it. Yet, you can’t look away. This is a world that cares about beauty over order.

Then, they took a break. Well deserved, they were wiped. But, one of the artists snuck back in while they were out. Because what the fuck? Q? He got way too cocky. He thought he could do no wrong. But that’s too far. That’s “Revolution 9”. I respect the ambition, but lets remember why we’re here.

I won’t waste too much more time on Q, everyone knows a Quinn should just head to the back and figure it out with Williams and Yancey. If you really wanna get cute, if you really wanna get cocky, the order could go Q-U, but other than that, Q belongs in the way back.

Then, after that display, another shift change. They got rid of the artists and brought in some pragmatic lettersmiths. Clearly a change in philosophy. Because these next letters, these are heavy hitters, buckle up. This is a run we haven’t seen since John Cazale in the ‘70s. No misses, for absolutely no reason. R. S. T. Holy shit. In one three letter run, the alphabet just put up half the Wheel of Fortune letters. R, S, and T are the backbone of this country. R, S, and T are toiling away in factories, while G, H, and I are doing god knows what. And yeah, maybe R, S, and T deserve to be moved up a little bit. But they wouldn’t have it any other way. They’re like a Ram Trucks commercial. They’re lunch pail letters. They’re always the coolest kids in homeroom. They’re not disruptive, but they’re certainly distracting. They know they’re not the line leaders, they don’t need that shine.

And then, my theory is, the masters behind such works as ABCD, they return. You can see their fingerprints all over these final letters. It’s like Kathleen Kennedy produced the alphabet. Because it’s pretty clear they had drastically different visions throughout. Except instead of lens flares and bad movies, we got another masterpiece. UVWXYZ. They’re like elements. That was unearthed. WXYZ has always been true, you know it in your bones, even if you try to convince yourself it’s not. It almost makes me think they had that first and worked backwards.

If only Q hadn’t wandered off, we might’ve really had something with this little alphabet experiment. But alas, someone needs to come and clean up their mess.

So I present to you, the updated, corrected, new alphabet. Enjoy.

A B C D H E G F K P J M N O L R S T I V Q U W X Y Z